Things My Daughter Says II: It Could Be The Vagina Monologues

No lie. It is Saturday morning (ok, technically it’s the afternoon) and I am being lazy. A couple hours ago I decided that I need to get up and shower and that my daughter needs one too. So, in we go. The following is the true conversation of what transpired:

Daughter: Are you peeing?

Me: No

Daughter: Why do you have hair on your vagina?

Me: *sputtering shampoo as I attempt an answer* Because I do

Daughter: Do all mommies have hair on their vaginas?

Me: Yes, I suppose so.

Daughter: Do Grandmas have hair on their vaginas?

Me: *thinking carefully about the topic of conversation that might happen at Grandma’s over Thanksgiving dinner* I don’t know

Daughter: What about aunties?

Me: *OMG, I can’t believe this conversation is still happening!* I’m not sure

Daughter: What about uncles?

Me: *Phew, I can answer that* No

Daughter: Why not?

Me: *Oh shit! Now what?* Because uncles don’t have vaginas

Daughter: But [name of brother 1 and 2] have vaginas

Me: *treading into unchartered territory here* No, boys don’t have vaginas

Daughter: Then how do they pee?

Me: *F*&%, when will this end?! I let out a giggle and attempt to control myself.* They use the toilet

Daughter: But how do they go pee?

Me: *damn, I knew she was too smart to let that go. My laughter is now involuntary and all attempts to control it are futile*  They have a penis   *there I said it!*

Daughter: *very excited to understand this new concept* Is that on their vagina?!

Me: *how can this NOT be over! I can’t contain it, I laugh so hard I pee in the shower!*

Daughter: Mommy! You peed!

At least the subject has been changed.

I know you are reading this, Mom. Consider yourself forewarned.

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An Emergency: A Child’s Perspective

I am in the process of trying to teach (and reteach) my kids what constitutes a true emergency. I am also trying to emphasize that this rule should be followed when I am in the bathroom.  I never get time to myself and sometimes alone time only happens in the bathroom. This is where I check my email, catch up on Facebook, and *gulp* may even blog (just a little!). At any rate this time is brief and precious and I do NOT want to be disturbed unless… there is an emergency.

Now my definition of an emergency and their definition differ dramatically.

My example of an emergency: someone is bleeding to the point of unconsciousness and/or has become recently detached to an appendage

Their take on that: someone fell off the couch and is not hurt; she can’t find her other princess shoe and now must limp around because she refuses to take the other shoe off; someone sneezed

My example: the house is on fire

Their misunderstanding: the remote is lost or beyond reach and he/she is too lazy to get up and get it (but they can knock on the bathroom door to ask me where it is); they want to play on the iPad but don’t know the passcode and so must bother me for it right now because it cannot possibly wait one.more.minute

My example: someone is breaking into the house

Their interpretation: right now is the perfect and only time to go outside therefore it cannot be squandered and they must bang until I accede; they want dessert; someone farted

I would buy a dictionary but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t help. But if I do I will be sure to have them also look up the word “boundaries”… because clearly, they have none.

The Things My Daughter Says

Being four gives you a certain amount of leeway and a natural naiveté that lends itself to saying really embarrassing things without a hint of shame. My boys went through this stage so I shouldn’t be surprised. I just don’t remember my boys being so vocal. Whenever I take my daughter into a public restroom I brace myself for what she might say.

When she was potty training I would cheer her on with song and dance, clapping, cartwheels… whatever it took to get her excited about using the toilet. This to her was normal. I also made sure she knew the correct terminology for her body parts. Yep, that word… v-a-g-i-n-a. God forbid she said that in front of anyone of the male variety. I thought it was kind of funny to see them squirm. Until it was my turn.

We were at the town pool and I had to use the bathroom. I carted my daughter off and squeezed the two of us into a ridiculously tiny stall. As I began peeing, my daughter – with all the enthusiasm of a proud four year old – began to cheer me on. “Yeah Mommy! Good job going pee on the potty.” I managed a thank you – after all what was I supposed to say. Then she said it… she dropped the v-bomb. “Your pee is coming out your vagina!” I felt my face grow flush as I heard the gales of laughter from the stalls on either side of me. I thought of staying in there until the women left but knew that wasn’t going to be an option since my daughter was already crawling under the stall door. Thankfully the laughter was coming from other moms who had been through or were going through the same thing.

Her latest obsession is my boobs. Today in the checkout line at Target she looked up at me lovingly and said “Mommy, I really like your boobs.” I thought the guy behind us was going to choke on his coffee.

The resident medical expert at daycare

My daughter is 4 and like many children her age she attends daycare (she calls it preschool but whatever…). Also like many children she has allergies. They pop up every year in the spring and fall and every year we deal with the nasal drip and coughing fits that tag along. This is especially vicious in the fall because typically she will suffer from her allergies and then a nasty cold will piggy back. So, just when I think she’s getting better, BAM! cold season hits. Ugh. Her old daycare was familiar with the routine but this year, out of necessity, we started at a new daycare. They are not familiar with this cycle and seem to have a lot of advice and opinion to offer on the subject.

It was Friday afternoon and I knew it was coming, the phone call. I left work about 20 minutes after they called telling me I had to come get her and she couldn’t come back to school without a doctor’s note. First of all, she had no other symptoms besides a nasty cough. Yes, that’s right – no fever, no explosive diarrhea, no puking, nothing. The state I live in does not consider a cough alone to be worthy of sending a child home. The economy would collapse if that happened! Entire schools would shut down during cold season! But I digress. Secondly, it was a Friday and there is only a 24 hour waiting period to return to school, so we would have well surpassed that by Monday. But since it was Friday, I took 45 minutes of personal time and picked her up. When I arrived I was barraged with medical advice from her teachers – she might have pneumonia or asthma, the doctor should prescribe her some cough medicine, and by the way use some vaporub at home. I smiled and bit my tongue as I packed up her things and picked up a peacefully sleeping child to drag off to the doctor. I made sure I asked about these things because even though I knew the response I wanted to be sure I had the appropriate wording for these medical professionals masquerading as daycare teachers. Here it is: most prescription cough medicine includes codeine – this is not typically prescribed to an otherwise healthy 4 year old, according to my pediatrician. Also, vaporub is not recommended by my pediatrician because it can actually be toxic and can cause the body to produce MORE mucous, kind of the opposite of what I’m looking for here. After bringing her to the doctor and getting the “required” note, I brought her to daycare Monday morning. Her teachers weren’t terribly pleased with the doctor’s recommendations but they were unable to produce a copy of their medical degree so until then I think I’ll stick with my pediatrician.

Or my grandmother who put her own child in the oven when he had pneumonia. Yep, that was doctor’s orders. Hmmm….