Things My Daughter Says II: It Could Be The Vagina Monologues

No lie. It is Saturday morning (ok, technically it’s the afternoon) and I am being lazy. A couple hours ago I decided that I need to get up and shower and that my daughter needs one too. So, in we go. The following is the true conversation of what transpired:

Daughter: Are you peeing?

Me: No

Daughter: Why do you have hair on your vagina?

Me: *sputtering shampoo as I attempt an answer* Because I do

Daughter: Do all mommies have hair on their vaginas?

Me: Yes, I suppose so.

Daughter: Do Grandmas have hair on their vaginas?

Me: *thinking carefully about the topic of conversation that might happen at Grandma’s over Thanksgiving dinner* I don’t know

Daughter: What about aunties?

Me: *OMG, I can’t believe this conversation is still happening!* I’m not sure

Daughter: What about uncles?

Me: *Phew, I can answer that* No

Daughter: Why not?

Me: *Oh shit! Now what?* Because uncles don’t have vaginas

Daughter: But [name of brother 1 and 2] have vaginas

Me: *treading into unchartered territory here* No, boys don’t have vaginas

Daughter: Then how do they pee?

Me: *F*&%, when will this end?! I let out a giggle and attempt to control myself.* They use the toilet

Daughter: But how do they go pee?

Me: *damn, I knew she was too smart to let that go. My laughter is now involuntary and all attempts to control it are futile*  They have a penis   *there I said it!*

Daughter: *very excited to understand this new concept* Is that on their vagina?!

Me: *how can this NOT be over! I can’t contain it, I laugh so hard I pee in the shower!*

Daughter: Mommy! You peed!

At least the subject has been changed.

I know you are reading this, Mom. Consider yourself forewarned.

The Things My Daughter Says

Being four gives you a certain amount of leeway and a natural naiveté that lends itself to saying really embarrassing things without a hint of shame. My boys went through this stage so I shouldn’t be surprised. I just don’t remember my boys being so vocal. Whenever I take my daughter into a public restroom I brace myself for what she might say.

When she was potty training I would cheer her on with song and dance, clapping, cartwheels… whatever it took to get her excited about using the toilet. This to her was normal. I also made sure she knew the correct terminology for her body parts. Yep, that word… v-a-g-i-n-a. God forbid she said that in front of anyone of the male variety. I thought it was kind of funny to see them squirm. Until it was my turn.

We were at the town pool and I had to use the bathroom. I carted my daughter off and squeezed the two of us into a ridiculously tiny stall. As I began peeing, my daughter – with all the enthusiasm of a proud four year old – began to cheer me on. “Yeah Mommy! Good job going pee on the potty.” I managed a thank you – after all what was I supposed to say. Then she said it… she dropped the v-bomb. “Your pee is coming out your vagina!” I felt my face grow flush as I heard the gales of laughter from the stalls on either side of me. I thought of staying in there until the women left but knew that wasn’t going to be an option since my daughter was already crawling under the stall door. Thankfully the laughter was coming from other moms who had been through or were going through the same thing.

Her latest obsession is my boobs. Today in the checkout line at Target she looked up at me lovingly and said “Mommy, I really like your boobs.” I thought the guy behind us was going to choke on his coffee.