No lie. It is Saturday morning (ok, technically it’s the afternoon) and I am being lazy. A couple hours ago I decided that I need to get up and shower and that my daughter needs one too. So, in we go. The following is the true conversation of what transpired:
Daughter: Are you peeing?
Daughter: Why do you have hair on your vagina?
Me: *sputtering shampoo as I attempt an answer* Because I do
Daughter: Do all mommies have hair on their vaginas?
Me: Yes, I suppose so.
Daughter: Do Grandmas have hair on their vaginas?
Me: *thinking carefully about the topic of conversation that might happen at Grandma’s over Thanksgiving dinner* I don’t know
Daughter: What about aunties?
Me: *OMG, I can’t believe this conversation is still happening!* I’m not sure
Daughter: What about uncles?
Me: *Phew, I can answer that* No
Daughter: Why not?
Me: *Oh shit! Now what?* Because uncles don’t have vaginas
Daughter: But [name of brother 1 and 2] have vaginas
Me: *treading into unchartered territory here* No, boys don’t have vaginas
Daughter: Then how do they pee?
Me: *F*&%, when will this end?! I let out a giggle and attempt to control myself.* They use the toilet
Daughter: But how do they go pee?
Me: *damn, I knew she was too smart to let that go. My laughter is now involuntary and all attempts to control it are futile* They have a penis *there I said it!*
Daughter: *very excited to understand this new concept* Is that on their vagina?!
Me: *how can this NOT be over! I can’t contain it, I laugh so hard I pee in the shower!*
Daughter: Mommy! You peed!
At least the subject has been changed.
I know you are reading this, Mom. Consider yourself forewarned.